Material to meditate
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me doesn't offend the other customers."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
An automobilist is replacing a flat tire on a road near an insane asylum. He just set up the four screws in the spare wheel and is about to take the screwdriver when all of a sudden a car goes by at high speed, the motion causes the air to vibrate and as a result all the four screws get lost. The automobilist can't fix the spare wheel anymore and thus is kinda upset. As a matter of fact he notices an inmate from the asylum staring at him.
– Now I'm stuck here, this is funny, huh? the automobilist says to the inmate.
– Perhaps you're stuck, perhaps you're not. I may have an idea for you, says the inmate.
– Ho, and what is it ? asks sarcastically the automobilist.
– Well you take one screw from each other wheel, and you temporarily fix the spare wheel with them.
– But this is a brillant idea! says the automobilist. You're not insane?
– Indeed I'm insane, is the reply, but I'm not stupid!
So, exp(x) is gracefully walking on the street when suddenly a constant rushes out from nowhere and yells hysterically :
– Help! Help! I'm being chased by a differential operator! I'm only a poor constant, if he ever finds me he will reduct me to void!
– Sure this is no luck for you, answers exp(x), but you know, I'm exp(x), he won't do any harm to me.
The constant quickly goes hiding, and exp(x) peacefully keeps on walking, when she comes over the differential operator!
– Hi there, she says. I'm exp(x). How are you doing?
– It's a pleasure to meet you, replies the operator. I'm d/dy...
There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there,
a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me."
So, the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney.
Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?"
Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns.
Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.
Jim says to God "You told me You would take care of me! What happened?"
God replied "Well are you kidding me? I sent you two boats and even a helicopter. What else did you want?"
There is this little fellow, Junior, who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
A drunk who smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a rabbi. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was covered with bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the holy man:
– Rabbi, what causes arthritis?
– Mister, it's caused by loose living, spending time with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.
– Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The rabbi, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized.
– I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?
– I don't have arthritis, Rabbi, but I just read in the paper that the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem does.
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today." "Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer. "Yes, its true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion" said the captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."
Like every thirsday afternoon, this mom was cleaning her 14-year-old son's room and in a cupboard she found what without doubt was a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him:
– Well what should we do about this?
The dad looked at her and said:
– Well, for one thing, we shouldn't spank him.
A rainy evening a new customer arrives into a pub, and orders a coffee.
– That will be three dollars, Sir, tells the bartender.
The customer drinks quietly the coffee, then he takes three one-dollar bills from his wallet and places one on the center of the counter. Then he goes to the extreme left of the bar (which is very long) and deposits there the second bill. Finally he goes to the extreme right of the counter, where he deposits the last bill. Then he leaves the pub.
The bartender is surprised, he has to walk along the whole bar to retrieve the money.
The following day the same customer comes back, and once again orders a coffee. To pay he performs the same routine as the previous day. And so, during several years the customer comes every evening, paying each time with the very same strange and annoying procedure.
One evening, the bartender feels that this day will be different. Well, as usual the customer orders a coffee, but this time he hands a fiver. The bartender is overwhelmed: for so long he has been waiting for this moment! With an infinite satisfaction, he takes two one-dollar bills from his register, and slowly deposits them at each extremity of the bar. The customer drinks his coffee, then he takes from his wallet a one-dollar bill that he puts on the bar.
– Another coffee, please.
(Thanks to YS)
This guy goes to the doctor becauses he suffers from violent headaches.
The doc examinates him and starts asking him a few questions:
– Did you notice if your headaches appear when you had too many drinks ?
– But doctor, I don't touch alcool, not even a glass of wine during celebrations.
– Well, well. Maybe you're smoking too much. In this case you should think of reducing your tobacco consumption.
– Doctor, I swear to you, I never ever smoke in my whole life, indeed smoke makes me ill.
– Really? OK I see, it could also be an excess of sexual activity. Does your suffering peak after love?
– What? But since my dear and beloved wife died I haven't touched a single woman. I even don't look at them anymore.
The doc is perplexed, he scratches his head, his bart (cause you know, he has a bart), and suddenly a smile illuminates his rigid face.
– There is it, my dear friend, now I know where your troubles come from. Your aureola is tightening you too much.
A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, and finds himself face to face with a ravishing, gorgeous blonde. The two strike up a conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
– Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?
He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
– Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her goodbye, and runs out the front door.
He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the doorway.
– Okay, she mutters, let's have it.
– Well, he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. Okay. I went to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see...
– Oh yeah? she says, let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! You've been bowling again!
In Moscow, a clinic for artificial insemination of women was opened in which the gender and the preselected appearance of the kids were guaranteed. A woman came for treatment. The doctor asked, "Do you want a boy or a girl?"
The doctor nodded and started mixing several liquids in a flask.
"Blond or brunette?"
The doctor added more components to the flask.
"What size of hips? Height? Waist?"
The woman answered, and the doctor mixed in more ingredients.
"Finally, do you want your daughter to look more or less like some of the famous movie stars?"
"Yes, yes. A little like Marilyn Monroe, a little like Liz Taylor...."
"No problem," the doctor said. "Now drink this."
The woman drank the concoction and at once fell asleep on a sofa. The doctor started undressing her. Then he unzipped his pants and said, "They all want Liz Taylor, or Marilyn Monroe. Whatever it will be, that's what it will be."
(Credit: Mark Perakh)
A girl came home very late, her dress all crumpled, her hair disheveled, blades of grass in her hair and on her dress.
"What happened to you, my daughter?" her father asked anxiously.
"Papa, I don't know what it was, but from now on it's my hobby."
(Credit: Mark Perakh)
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "Now, my friend, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
A man visits a doctor to complain about violent headaches. His hands are shaking.
The doc asks: "Tell me, good sir, do you drink a lot?"
"A lot? Certainly not, I almost spill the whole glass everytime."
A young kid hears some noise from his parent's room. He decides to look through the keyhole. Then he says:
"And they want me to see a shrink because I suck my thumb!"
Little Neo, 2005-2012